Maintain your old Siemens Hipath system

Relationship Arguments - 7 Ways to Heal Past Hurts

Q: I've read that you are never supposed to bring up the past in a relationship, especially in an argument. But, sometimes it just feels like I have to bring it up with my husband. When is it OK to bring up the past?

A: Speaking in general, which is always risky, you should avoid bringing up the past in the middle of current conflicts. Words such as

"this is just like when you...,"

or

"do you remember what you said in 1977 about..."

do nothing to resolve a conflict or bring couples closer together. As a wife, you also have an almost unfair advantage over your husband in this area.

Again, speaking in general, most wives can recall the details of every argument that has ever occurred, including what was said, what was meant, what you were wearing and where you were standing. Most husbands have trouble remembering what they had for lunch yesterday.

At the same time, I think there are a few exceptions where it is acceptable to bring up the past, and is even necessary in a healthy relationship. I think it is most necessary when something from the past still hurts so much that you can't function well in the relationship in the present; and when things that happened in the past keep happening and are still going on. Let's take a look at these two exceptions and what to do about them.

When the Past Still Hurts

If something from the past still hurts, you need to address it, just not in an argument. During a calm time, you can say something like,

"Can you help me with something I keep having trouble with?"

Most spouses will respond well to that request.

A useful example would be how something hurtful was said and it gets under your skin and stays there. It may be eating you up, but your husband is unaware of the lasting effects. So, once you have his attention, you lay out, in non-accusatory, gentle words, what is still hurting you.

Perhaps a more complete apology is necessary, or even a first apology. Sometimes we simply need to have someone understand just how much something hurt us. Other times, simply speaking it out loud allows it to fade off of our emotional radar.

Once you have had this talk and cleaned up the mess from the past, you can both agree that this is now in the past and has no power over either of you or the relationship.

When the Past is in the Present

This one is a little bit more difficult to handle and resolve.

When something that caused pain in the past continues in the present, you have to ask some difficult questions:

*Does your husband simply not get it?

*Does he not care or is he just plain selfish?

*Is this a personality trait or relationship pattern that is just too stubborn to change on your own?

Sometimes when the pain is not happening to you personally, it can be difficult to see the consequences of certain actions. In this case it can be helpful to calmly walk your husband through the specifics of how certain behaviors cause pain. Once the light comes on for him, you can both agree, commit and even covenant that these events are now things of the past, and you will both do whatever it takes to make sure they do not happen again.

A good example in this case would be how it feels when one person considers the feelings of her own parents over the feelings of her husband. Many times I have found that the wife does not realize the pain caused until it is calmly laid out in detail.

If these suggestions do not work for you and your relationship, then it's time to sit down with a relationship counselor/coach who can get in the middle of it and help lead the way through these conflicts.

Jeff Herrring, MS, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist, relationship coach, speaker and nationally syndicated relationship columnist, and founder and CEO of http://www.SecretsofGreatrelationships.com

You can email Jeff at jeff@jeffherring.com and sign up for his free internet newsletter "Great Relationships Tip of the Week" on his website at http://www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

In The News:

Leaders embrace at surprise Korean summit
Sat, 26 May 2018 12:32:00 +0100
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has met South Korean President Moon Jae-in for the second time in a month - with the pair sharing an embrace.

'A quiet revolution': Ban on abortions set to end
Fri, 25 May 2018 22:11:00 +0100
The result in Ireland's historic referendum on relaxing abortion laws appears to have been a "resounding" yes, the country's prime minister says.

Ireland witnesses a second uprising
Sat, 26 May 2018 02:07:00 +0100
"All changed, changed utterly," wrote the Irish poet William Butler Yates. He was referring to the aftermath of the Easter Rising over British rule in 1916.

Ethiopia 'to release jailed Briton after four years'
Sat, 26 May 2018 10:44:00 +0100
A British national on death row in Ethiopia is understood to have been pardoned four years after he was detained.

Fears for girl, 13, who left UK on Eurotunnel train
Sat, 26 May 2018 14:52:00 +0100
Police say they are concerned for the welfare of a 13-year-old girl who has gone missing after leaving the UK.



tikatoshop.it

Erfahrungen mit Pallhuber Wein
Agen Bola SBOBET Terpercaya

Travel in comfort and at your leisure with CT Airlink Limousine & Car Service for top quality private transportation and exceptional customer service. We operate Sedans, SUVs & Vans for CT Car Services to covering all Connecticut airports including Car Service from CT to Newark Airport , Mohegan Casino Uncasville CT, Foxwoods Casino Mashantucket CT, Manhattan Cruise Terminal NYC, Brooklyn Cruise Terminal NYC and Bayonne Cruise Terminal NJ. CT Airlink hire licensed and friendly chauffeurs who have in-depth knowledge of the Areas.

Let Kissing Liven Up Your Meetings (and More Kissing Tips)

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at... Read More

How A Phony Persona Always Hurts You

'Be yourself', isn't that what you've always heard? It certainly... Read More

Stop Making Relationship Mistakes! Avoid Another Unhappy Relationship!

It is possible for women to steer clear of an... Read More

How to Handle a Cheating Partner

Most people do not understand the nature of cheating within... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More

Think INSIDE the Square to Keep Those Love Fires Burning

I was sitting in my sanctuary in my back yard... Read More

Do You Enable?

We all have behaviors, tendencies, patterns, and the keen ability... Read More

Romantic Relationships: An Internal Process

If you grew up in the 80s like I did,... Read More

Getting More From Dating, Romantic Relationships, and Marriage

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a... Read More

He Said, She Heard: Communication Meltdown within Relationship

It starts young, as babies. We learn communication from our... Read More

Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are so painful that I often wonder why... Read More

Making New Friends

How do we make friends? More importantly if dropped into... Read More

The Man - Truth of The Visual Being

The article What Turns Them On explained about how men... Read More

Can Men And Women Be Friends? Or When Harry Met Sally Did He Really Just Want to Jump Her Bones?

Men and women can't really be just friends, can they?... Read More

10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship

1. Be predictable.When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one... Read More

Global Conflict and Inter-Religious Dialogue: The Importance of Understanding Others

As is learned in the study of Comparative Religion, the... Read More

Eight Ways to be a Better Friend

Being a good friend is a skill we can learn... Read More

Coping with Your Abuser

How to cope with your abuser?Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers... Read More

Five Easy Steps to Creating Your Dream Relationship

Millions of singles across the world are looking to create... Read More

E-Love at Easter - Part Two

The next week was a whirl. The first quarter of... Read More

Hunter and Gatherer

Deep down, we haven't evolved as much as we would... Read More

African Dating - Pride and Ambition

It is no secret that African culture is known for... Read More

How to Start a Conversation With a Woman

Last week I had the easiest pick up and seduction... Read More

The Grammar of Good Communication

No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor... Read More

Conflicts Dont Have to Mean a Fight to the Death

Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.The secret... Read More