Deep Doghouse Communication for Angry Men

Home
>
Positive Attitude Tips
>
Deep Doghouse Communication for Angry Men

Deep Doghouse Communication for Angry Men

Many times when an angry or rageful man comes into the office to see me for the first visit, he is in a deep crisis. Such was the case with Jerry. He was in the "deep doghouse." He was separated from his wife and she had filed for divorce. A man is in the "deep doghouse" when his wife is very angry and most of the communication is her expressing anger, displeasure and criticism of him.

Although Jerry was deep in the doghouse, he was what I call an eager customer. He was not interested in spending the session explaining to me how he was right and she was wrong. Neither was he particularly interested in exploring his psychological make-up or that of his wife.

Jerry was an engineer with 20 years at a big oil company. Often, therapists complain of engineers because they are slow to get in touch with their feelings. However, engineers are my favorite clients because they put the pressure on me to provide something that works and works quickly. He wanted something to prove to his wife that he was making a dramatic change.

We discussed the importance of abstaining from the 15 behaviors that trigger rageaholics. Jerry said that he would work to control his behavior. He said that he would not be in this predicament if he had been abstaining from these behaviors all along, especially profanity.

The next week he said that things were no worse with his wife and he had not lost his temper. I complimented Jerry on his good work. He had done a great job of not exploding, even when his wife was cursing him and calling him names. Jerry went to great lengths to stop his profanity, name- calling, mocking and threatening, and he even kept a quiet voice.

When I asked him what he wanted to get out of the next session, he said, "I want to learn how to stop arguing with her, if that is possible." He said that they kept having very long arguments that went on for hours on the phone. I told Jerry that there were three words that would stop any argument: You are right.

These words will stop an argument because in order to have an argument, there has to be a disagreement. Without a disagreement, it is impossible to have an argument. Now these words go against some of our training as men. What we men have learned is how to hang on to being right. I was told that I should never give up when I was right. I was taught to stick to what I believed. And this idea of sticking with what you believe, never stopping, hanging on to being right, may be useful in many areas of your life, but I think you probably have found that it is not useful in your marriage.

The truth of the matter is, no matter what anyone says, you can usually find some smidgen of truth in it. You can acknowledge they are right in some way.

"You are right" does not mean you agree to change anything. I say this over and over again-and it is hard for most ragers to comprehend. Someone telling me that I am selfish, self-centered and egotistical is not a request for a behavioral change. These are universal, human frailties. I make no commitment to change any behavior when I agree with my wife that I am selfish, self-centered and egotistical. It is not the time to argue when you are deep in the doghouse and your wife is ranting and raving at you.

When deep in the doghouse, you should not explain your behavior, not defend your behavior and certainly not counterattack. Deep doghouse communication is about receiving the message and validating her point of view. It is about receiving, not sending. Arguments get started when you try to send back when she is still sending. If you say, "Well, you haven't always been around here either--How about the two weeks you went to visit your mother?" that is gasoline on the fire.

Many of you may be thinking, "But what if she isn't right? Am I supposed to lie?" I suggest that you:

Say the phrase, "You are right."

Find some truth in what she is saying and agree with it.

Get your "but" out of the way. Don't say, "You are right, but?"

You can state your opinion when you get out of the doghouse.

About The Author

Newton Hightower is the Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc. in Houston, Texas, and author of the new book "Anger Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them." Visit Newton's website for anger- busting ideas and a free email newsletter filled with guest articles and tips for husbands, wives, and therapists. http://www.angerbusters.com

newton@angerbusters.com

In The News:

At least 32 killed and dozens injured in twin suicide attack in Baghdad
Thu, 21 Jan 2021 10:05:00 +0000
At least 32 people have died and dozens more are wounded after a double suicide attack in Iraq's capital.

'Let's start afresh': Joe Biden becomes 46th US president and urges unity
Wed, 20 Jan 2021 14:19:00 +0000
Joe Biden has entered the White House as America's 46th president, and after taking his oath of office he told his country it has been "a day of victory and hope".

Three dead and six injured after explosion destroys residential building in Madrid
Wed, 20 Jan 2021 14:29:00 +0000
At least three people have died and six others were injured after an "extremely loud" explosion destroyed a residential building belonging to the Catholic Church in Madrid's city centre.

Coffins stacked high in crematorium of German town ravaged by COVID
Thu, 21 Jan 2021 12:37:00 +0000
A crematorium is a sobering place to visit during a pandemic. Especially the one in the town of Meissen, eastern Germany, where coffins are stacked on top of each other in every available space.

Police find stolen 500-year-old da Vinci copy - which museum did not know was missing
Thu, 21 Jan 2021 09:06:00 +0000
A stolen copy of Leonardo da Vinci's 16th century Salvator Mundi painting has been found by Italian police, despite priests not realising it was missing.

tikatoshop.it

Erfahrungen mit Pallhuber Wein
Agen Bola SBOBET Terpercaya

Travel in comfort and at your leisure with CT Airlink Limousine & Car Service for top quality private transportation and exceptional customer service. We operate Sedans, SUVs & Vans for CT Car Services to covering all Connecticut airports including Car Service from CT to Newark Airport , Mohegan Casino Uncasville CT, Foxwoods Casino Mashantucket CT, Manhattan Cruise Terminal NYC, Brooklyn Cruise Terminal NYC and Bayonne Cruise Terminal NJ. CT Airlink hire licensed and friendly chauffeurs who have in-depth knowledge of the Areas.