Maintain your old Siemens Hipath system

Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

"Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can't seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it's not good enough."

"I just can't seem to connect with Zack. He's a really nice guy but I just can't feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don't really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he's always wanting something from me and I just don't like being around him. And he's so darn nice! What's wrong with me that I don't like someone being so nice?"

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a "nice guy" and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing the laundry, and doing most of the child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn't realize is that his niceness was really a "pull" on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him.

Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition, Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.

Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany's fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack's fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, the more Tiffany moved away, and the more Tiffany moved away, the more Zack pulled. What was the way out of this protective circle?

Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control the other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany's behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not the cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than "nice" to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.

Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, "Zack, I appreciate the dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I'd rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn't feel good."

Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

In The News:

'Demonstrators are the people's enemy' - Hong Kong leader Carrie Lam
Mon, 11 Nov 2019 03:19:00 +0000
Hong Kong's embattled leader has said the violence has far exceeded the call for democracy and that demonstrators are now the "people's enemy".

State of emergency over 'catastrophic' Australia bushfires
Sun, 10 Nov 2019 03:18:00 +0000
New South Wales has declared a state of emergency as its deadly bushfires are expected to get much worse.

Co-founder of White Helmets found dead days after Russia claimed he was a spy
Mon, 11 Nov 2019 10:59:00 +0000
A former British Army officer who co-founded the White Helmets volunteer force in Syria has been found dead in Istanbul.

Top US diplomat 'was told to oppose Trump' by his team
Mon, 11 Nov 2019 09:35:00 +0000
Donald Trump's former ambassador to the UN says she was told to oppose the president's policies by key figures in his administration.

Star sent off for reacting to fans' 'racist' abuse cried 'tears of helplessness'
Mon, 11 Nov 2019 07:44:00 +0000
A footballer has said he cried tears of "helplessness" after he was sent off for reacting to alleged racist abuse by fans during a match in Ukraine.



tikatoshop.it

Erfahrungen mit Pallhuber Wein
Agen Bola SBOBET Terpercaya

Travel in comfort and at your leisure with CT Airlink Limousine & Car Service for top quality private transportation and exceptional customer service. We operate Sedans, SUVs & Vans for CT Car Services to covering all Connecticut airports including Car Service from CT to Newark Airport , Mohegan Casino Uncasville CT, Foxwoods Casino Mashantucket CT, Manhattan Cruise Terminal NYC, Brooklyn Cruise Terminal NYC and Bayonne Cruise Terminal NJ. CT Airlink hire licensed and friendly chauffeurs who have in-depth knowledge of the Areas.

The Pitfalls of Procrastination

We all put off making decisions and taking action sometimes... Read More

Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life

To keep at the top of your game you have... Read More

The Right Coach

Who is the Best Coach For Achieving Your Goals?A friend... Read More

Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were... Read More

4 Brilliant Tips to Speed Read Faster than Ever

Many people, particularly students, would love to be able to... Read More

Getting Unstuck: Moving Forward To Success

Ever find yourself stuck in that awful loop of inactivity?... Read More

Unhook From The Perpetual Progress Grid

I have been a member of a group called the... Read More

A Christmas Wish

My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She... Read More

Integrating Life and Work

Organizations are finally creating cultures that support a work and... Read More

Mentors and Coaches: How to Be a Great Mentee or Learner

When you invest your time in being a mentee you... Read More

Can You Say No?

As a manager you are constantly being asked to do... Read More

Essence of Awakeness

Be conscious, aware, and alert. Pay attention. Remember when you... Read More

Business Career, Executive Coaching Article - Leadership: Understanding the Human Condition

"Nothing is more practical than for people to deepen themselves.... Read More

Coaching Skills

IntroductionThe question for leaders in organizations today is how do... Read More

Nothing is left to Chance

You are going to meet a very important client for... Read More

Is Time Really Easier to Sell than Products? Generate Extra Revenue by Packaging Up What You Know

Over the years I've worked with very many coaches and... Read More

Time Travel

Let me quote something you wrote. "When you reach the... Read More

More Money & Less Stress?

At 2pm last Wednesday, I got a call from one... Read More

Growing On G.R.O.W ? A More Specific Coaching Model For Busy Managers

The effective coaching of employees by their line managers is... Read More

Its Only Adult ADD-What A Relief!

For most of her fifty years, Barbara was at war... Read More

Choosing The Right Coach

Coaching has become a very popular way for people to... Read More

The Self Development Tool Box

Do you have a self-development toolbox? Do you have a... Read More

An Easy Way to End The Year

As a healthy business owner or independent professional, how do... Read More

Discover The Coach Within You

One of the three basic roles of leadership is the... Read More

Life On The Receiving End Of Coaching

What is it like to be on the receiving end... Read More